robinwb: (Default)
2015-02-09 04:02 am

Why am I trying to date?

As a single mama who was formerly in a long-term marriage, I wonder if I'll ever be in another long term relationship. I often wonder if I'll get married, again. I really like the idea of having someone special beside me, whom I would enjoy living life with. I am heading to San Francisco this week, in order to attend Reid Mihalkho's Relationship RX Live. I heard great things about the workshop I trust, which is a big deal for me, because this shit costs money. I can't exactly drive to The Bay from the ATL in a day. I'm so lucky to have friends to stay with, too. It is worth it to me to take this course, because I did not grow up learning what a healthy and loving relationship looked like. I know how to love- that's the easy part. I finally love myself, know who I am, and more importantly- I've learned to realise to not put people on pedestals. Human beings are imperfect and puzzling creatures, and are often their own worst enemy. I learned to forgive....including myself. I learned how to not let negative voices take over, and the healthy and focused way to change those erroneous ruminating thoughts.

I used to feel so....lacking. I was felt I was missing something, that I never had enough. I wanted more and more things, and attention, and love. Nothing could fill that gaping void. I deeply regret how my selfishness affected and destroyed my marriage. I feel fortunate that my former husband and I are close friends. I picked an amazing father for our daughter. However, I live in the now. Thanks to therapy, I dealt with my traumatic past of abuse and sexual assault. I learned how it negatively influenced my decision making in relationships, and how I needed to let it go, in order to grow up and be happy in the now. In the movie, 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'', there is a character, Lady Chablis. She is a drag queen in the Deep South, so you know she dealt with a lot of bullshit in her life. She has a saying, "Two tears in a bucket and motherfuck it.". I have adapted it as my motto, when I am in danger of drowning in feelings of shame, guilt, and regret. I did a lot of hard work, soul searching, and reavaluation of my life and what I wanted out of it. I learned how to have a healthy loving and respectful relationship with myself. I knew that I had to work on myself and find a way towards my own happiness, or I would never be ready and open to love.

I'm ready. I'm excited. It is time for the next step, and I look forward to learning about how to have a the healthy and beautiful relationship that I would like to have. I do not want to linger in the past, and make the same mistakes that ruin and taint a romantic relationship. Hence, Reid's workshop....it's time to take that next step.
robinwb: (Default)
2015-02-05 02:28 am

Now I know how geriatrics feel about technology..

Today, I needed to send an audition to Dixie at Bawdy Storytelling. Dixie is in San Francisco, and I am in Atlanta, so I needed to utilise 21st century methods in order to submit my story.(What's the story, you ask? Oh, just about the time I burnt my damned vulva with a vibrator, and because I have a spinal cord injury, I didn't know I had managed to accomplish that feat..until it got infected. Believe me..it's quite the tale. My doctor's office is still laughing about it, 6 years later.. Gimp world problems!!!).

I got my friends to use my phone to record the video, and tried to upload it to Google Drive, via the app. Didn't work. Kept exiting out of the fucking app. The video was too damned big to try to send to Dixie on FB, and I could not use the useless mail app. I sat in my car, cursing, and trying to figure out a way to upload and send it for 45 minutes, before I decided to pack it in, and drive home. I downloaded the video off of the phone and uploaded it onto drive, and emailed it, no problem, using my laptop. It was just highly frustrating that I could not figure out how to do it off of my phone, and I was too tired to think of how to convert it to something that was easier to send. I now realise why older people are often intimidated by technology, and not sure how to utilise it. Fuck, I am not sure how to utilise it, and I was someone who was a tech savvy kid- in the 80's. (I like to joke and say that I am an O.G.- Original Geek) I was online as a late teen in the early 90's and met my wasband on Match.Com when it was a Beta site in 1995. Well, how else was a black girl in Arkansas going to meet a white, British, Cambridge graduate?lol Incidentally, today was his birthday. I joined him, his fiancee, our daughter, and the puppy for a lovely birthday dinner. Then, I went to my friends' house to record the aforementioned video. Somehow, I felt it would be inappropriate to ask my former husband and his soon to be wife to record me talking about using a vibrator(albeit the WRONG way), even though I am always giving them cool sex toys and gadgets from my conferences....

...and so much for getting to bed before midnight. I have a shit ton of work to do, tomorrow. Hopefully, Dixie will see the video, and welcome me with open arms to participate in her show. Fingers crossed..