robinwb: (Default)
2015-02-09 04:02 am

Why am I trying to date?

As a single mama who was formerly in a long-term marriage, I wonder if I'll ever be in another long term relationship. I often wonder if I'll get married, again. I really like the idea of having someone special beside me, whom I would enjoy living life with. I am heading to San Francisco this week, in order to attend Reid Mihalkho's Relationship RX Live. I heard great things about the workshop I trust, which is a big deal for me, because this shit costs money. I can't exactly drive to The Bay from the ATL in a day. I'm so lucky to have friends to stay with, too. It is worth it to me to take this course, because I did not grow up learning what a healthy and loving relationship looked like. I know how to love- that's the easy part. I finally love myself, know who I am, and more importantly- I've learned to realise to not put people on pedestals. Human beings are imperfect and puzzling creatures, and are often their own worst enemy. I learned to forgive....including myself. I learned how to not let negative voices take over, and the healthy and focused way to change those erroneous ruminating thoughts.

I used to feel so....lacking. I was felt I was missing something, that I never had enough. I wanted more and more things, and attention, and love. Nothing could fill that gaping void. I deeply regret how my selfishness affected and destroyed my marriage. I feel fortunate that my former husband and I are close friends. I picked an amazing father for our daughter. However, I live in the now. Thanks to therapy, I dealt with my traumatic past of abuse and sexual assault. I learned how it negatively influenced my decision making in relationships, and how I needed to let it go, in order to grow up and be happy in the now. In the movie, 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'', there is a character, Lady Chablis. She is a drag queen in the Deep South, so you know she dealt with a lot of bullshit in her life. She has a saying, "Two tears in a bucket and motherfuck it.". I have adapted it as my motto, when I am in danger of drowning in feelings of shame, guilt, and regret. I did a lot of hard work, soul searching, and reavaluation of my life and what I wanted out of it. I learned how to have a healthy loving and respectful relationship with myself. I knew that I had to work on myself and find a way towards my own happiness, or I would never be ready and open to love.

I'm ready. I'm excited. It is time for the next step, and I look forward to learning about how to have a the healthy and beautiful relationship that I would like to have. I do not want to linger in the past, and make the same mistakes that ruin and taint a romantic relationship. Hence, Reid's workshop....it's time to take that next step.